asking alexandria if she's fucking okay.
4 june 2024— 2/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Somebody Told Me" by Motionless in White working out is the only thing i like doing anymore LMAOOOO i would like to spend more time at the library cause it's the only place i seem to be good doing schoolwork at, but by the time i've worked out i'm just sweaty and hungry so i have to go home. and by that point it's either too late to go to the library or i get stuck in bed until it's too late to go back. i also just feel weird driving so much, i feel like i'm wasting gas. i should just be able to work at home :/ the most i've done at home lately is refining these transcripts for my dad. it's fairly mindless work so i can watch youtube or listen to music while doing it, but i won't say i haven't had to be mildly disciplinary with myself to start working on them sometimes. but the nice thing is i thiiiink the analysis section of my psych ia is done and i have a half-finished outline of the evaluation section, so i'm like. i'm getting closer to done, that's what i'm saying. i have like 80% done intro and exploration, done analysis, half-finished evaluation. which is like, 135/400% missing. 1.35/4. i ripped the entire layer of nail polish off one of my fingers trying to do the math for the exact percentage of work i have left in my head. this is so lame of me. POINT IS I'M GETTING CLOSE TO DONE AND THAT'S GREAT THE END. the song of the day is so me core btw. get it. get it. in all seriousness, i discovered it on the treadmill this morning and i've listened to it almost all day now. yippeeee okay bye 3 june 2024— 1/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Missing My Soul - BONUS TRACK - 3am Sessions" by Cameron Sanderson i'm back and what do you MEAN it's already june, i'm so scared of summer blowing by without me realizing. today was chill tho cause i worked out and went to the library and went back to the gym to run intervals. i want to keep a habit of running in the morning, but today was weird cause my brother had to use my truck to take some shit to the scrap metal place and he didn't get to that until 10am. i lowkey wish i hadn't come home cause god i can just NOT work on anything in this house. i cannot be in my house when i need to do work bro like i just?? i can't i don't know.. i feel bad for not working on my psych ia more cause i said i'd finish it by my birthday and now my birthday is like two weeks away. i feel like i'm wasting time, i only worked on it for like two hours i think. i suppose an hour or two of work a day doesn't sound like a bad habit, but right now it feels like i'm wasting so much time cause i don't even want to do anything in my free time. like i don't fucking need leisure time because i'll just sit and rot in my bed dawg IM SORRYYY; maybe it's executive dysfunction. i don't know. i just know i don't even feel like drawing or writing or playing games or anything anymore. i don't know what i want to do. i don't want to do anything i guess?? or maybe the only way i have fun now is by leaving the house and doing something out in the world. maybe i should see if i can go to a nearby park or some shit like that. oh btw i don't think i mentioned this but the other week (last sunday? the 26th i think?), me, my mom, and my brother's wife did this thing called MudGirl. it was basically an insanely muddy obstacle course. it was a tonnn of fun, i don't really wanna talk about the details right now, but my point in mentioning it is that after i've done that, i really want to work on my upper body strength and cardio endurance. that's lowkey why i started running intervals actually. but for upper body shit, i really want to explore woods and climb in trees and shit now. i should be able to climb fences and trees and fool around in a forest without taking all my energy or being straight up incapable of doing a pull up. i've also been watching a shit ton of ballet content lately (that's practically the only leisure thing i do at my house now) and GOD IT MAKES ME SO MAD HOW ATHLETIC THESE PEOPLE ARE. SHOULD BE ME!!!! i would take a dance class. specifically the men in ballet piss me off with how cool they are, HAVE YOU SEEN THE JUMPS MEN IN BALLET DO???? IT'S INSANE AND IT SHOULD BE ME. UGHHHHH. i love ballet dude the shit these people can do is insane and it's so hard to even realize that sometimes cause they make it look so easy. i don't know what else to say but i don't know what else to say. idk what i'll do when i finish this post. OH one thing i can mention is i think i'm gonna keep the name rain as a nickname/online thing, but my actual name is gonna be something different. therefore, idk if i'll change the about the host section to not say rain. or otherwise disclose my actual name (even tho i really want to cause i haven't told anyone and i want to change my name grhrrr). but. yeah. fun fact about me! 29 may 2024— 3/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Heartkiller" by HIM dysphoria has been kicking my ass lately god save me. i knew i'd have identity issues come up once school got out of the way but DAMN i guess i didn't really believe it'd happen. i lowkey don't know what to do; there's easily five different things i could choose to do at any given moment, but i don't actually want to do anything, nor do i see any point in enforcing a strict schedule for myself over the summer. but i guess i need some type of schedule to get anything done. that's kinda lame of me tbh but i'll just adapt to it. if i spend too much time laying in bed i'll go bonkers. that's already basically happened once HAHAHAH i can't go back there. recent discoveries i've made: I LOVE RUNNING INTERVALS ON THE TREADMILL i think i'm gonna try making that a daily habit cause it just makes me happy and i need something to do in the morning so i'm not sluggish the whole day. also found out i'm all clear to go on a week long beach trip with one of my friends?!?!?!?!?! and we're leaving on my birthday so it's basically a birthday gift for me :// my friend and her family loooooove me trust (we've been friends for like 3 months max). however i did make a deal with myself that i'd finish my psych ia draft before my birthday, so i can't get toooo hype or i'll lose my focus and not get shit done. i spent like at least an hour today trying to find the type of inferential statistics i need to do and i thiiiiiink i need to do a mann-whitney U test. it really seems like it at first glance. YKNOW WHAT maybe that should be my goal tomorrow. i need something to do tomorrow. i'm so good at planning guys; i overheard my brother talking about a book he read that said you shouldn't complete a goal without starting a new one so you can keep momentum or something like that, and i don't think that's a bad idea. i should try to adapt that more, especially when it comes to my schoolwork. honestly i'm hoping i can get my psych ia done sooner than my birthday cause i lowkey want to go ahead and start my math ia. and i'm worried it'll take a while for me to get back into any type of work groove after a beach trip, so. also by that point it'll be june and i would actually love to touch on my bio ia or ee cause i'm. concerned. particularly about my bio ia. i'm a little scared, actually. song of the day goes so hard btw you better stream it OH ALSO my mom thinks i should consider going to college cause i do seem to like academia and it could either aid a path i decide i want to take or help me find a path. and i won't say i haven't considered college since taking ib, but i still believe it's not something i need to make any remotely big decisions on until after graduating high school. apparently working as a college professor is way different finance-wise compared to public schools. 23 may 2024— 4/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Smile in your Sleep" by Silverstein I'M HOME FREE CHAT!!!!!! well i've been home free but now i'm telling you such. my last day of school was tuesday but i didn't have to show up monday so i lowkey barely count it as a day. school basically ended last week. and it turns out i'm not too good at this whole summer thing cause i already got bored and started working on my psych ia today. i was gonna put it off until the 27th so i would take some "true" break days, but i was starting to go bonkers around yesterday; i just don't know what to do. i drew a thing (ocs) and drew some more things (my brother wants me to make sprites for his game) and messed around and went to the gym and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO??? i feel weird. maybe i miss my schedule. i want structure back idk what to do... either ib has altered my character or i was just destined to be in academia because i actually enjoy writing papers. GOD HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. i'm not a complete nerd tho cause i am going out with my friends tomorrow and i'm happy to see them again :33 i lowkey wanted to invite one of my other friends too but i'm already driving as many people as i can fit in my car and i'm not sure she could get a ride on her own. so. i'll just have to see if she's free another time. i want to go roadkill searching with her that sounds so dope. dude there's like a dead cat in the middle of a busy road near my house and i kinda want to just get it off the road for practical reasons; could we pick that thing up... maybe... idk. ALSO with my psych ia, i'm soooo happy cause as i was working on it, i realized it really shouldn't take me that long to get it done. it shouldn't be hard. my original goal was to have it done by my birthday (june 22nd... mark your calendars...) but i think i could get it done a week earlier. some of my classmates were freaking out over the inferential statistics part but im 80% sure the stats required are something i learn in my math class and all my peers that were worried about them are in the other ib math, so. i think i'm pretty set. fun fact, i think i take ib math AI, but i've never actually been sure. i was told that the class i take is like the biology of math, while the other one is the chemistry of it, and i like bio better so i chose AI(?). i also forgot the coding for the and symbol and don't feel like finding it so i'm just writing AI but IT DOESN'T MEAN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IT MEANS APPlICATIONS AND INTERPRETATIONS!!!! okay the end. sorry i didn't update like i said i would on my last post; at this point, i don't remember what happened that day. 17 may 2024— 5/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Digital Hallucination (Cover Español)" by Miree hey chat i'm sorry i didn't make a normal post when i still felt normal yesterday. i was literally so happy yesterday until 20 minutes into the tok exhibition. i conferenced about my history ia first block today and I APPARENTLY DID SO WELL all i have to edit is minor details and THAT'S SO NOT WHAT I EXPECTED??? i thought my arguements were weak, i'm so fucking happy i did so well on my ia dude... and then i did my io and had so much fun i literally wasn't even stressed once i started talking. i was having so much fun and i love my english teacher i want her dead she's sooooo amazing. and i got buffalo chicken bites after my io cause i wanted to reward myself :33 life was great but then i had my tok exhibition/ib dinner and i freaked the fuck out HAHSDH. i ended up crying a lot last night cause i felt suuuper lonely and like i can never make decent friends with people my own age. uhm i'll finish updating later i'm updating this on my school computer at 8:20 in the morning again. 15 may 2024— 3/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Fireflies" by RJ Papsin i haven't made a normal post in a bit so i'm updating on my school computer :33 i'm in a good mood i had a staring contest with one of my friends and i did lose but that was the longest staring contest i've ever held. it was fun.. also TOMORROWS IO DAY!!! AND TOK EXHIBITION DAY!!!! i know i'll feel calm once i get that all over with so i'm finally excited for that. weehee! uhmmm i don't know what else to say. i usually try to update my sit at the end of the day but i have a feeling i'm going to feel like shit after school so i'm updating at 8:20 in the morning. i want to hang out with my friends i miss them i gotta practice my io so much dude it's lowkey bad. i've decided i'm not going to worry about my tok essay until after thursday so yay one less thing for me to think about! okay bye lov you guys 14 may 2024— 2/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Too Sweet" by Hozier i feel so insane my moods been taking polevaulting classes lately. i feel like i'm actually going to die if i can't move my legs i don't know what's wrong with me i don't know why i feel like this right now i was trying to work on my tok essay this afternoon cause it needs revisions (turns out i talked too much about my family and i need more examples that aren't about them) but i'm strugglingggg and i don't know why. it's just the last week of school and i can't think and maybe i'm a step away from melting down as i write this i don't know. i want to explode i want to punch something or someone and i want to GSHDHDFHDFSAHASDOFHKAJDFSKJAWDFKHASFkAHFSKAHFSkhfwadKWHAELF i actually feel like dying i think i am meltind down in some way i don't know why i'm typing this then ughghghghg i went to the gym at like 8pm last night (way later than i usually do) and i LITERALLY HAD SO MUCH FUN THAT WAS THE HIGHEST I'VE FELT IN DAYS but now i'm dying and want to punch something i don't KNOW WHAT TO DO i emailed the ib coordinator, hopefully he gets back to me on my mess of ideas. i need reassurance that i'm doing the right thing before i have to rewrite another 300 words about some shit. lov him but i'm really pissy and anxious right now and i bet he's not doing any better cause he's been having to stand around for 8+ hours five days a week for the past few weeks (exams. heh.). i just hope my ideas are correct cause i'm SO TIRED and i want this essay done with. this day has literally be fine. it was okay. i was fairly fine at school. but now that i'm home i want to implode. 13 may 2024— 1/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "She's A 10 But... (Remix)" by ARTAN, Yung Gravy I DON'T KNOW WHY I WORE SHORTS TODAY i literally cut myself yesterday. i was watching my shorts like a hawk all school day to make sure they didn't remotely ride up. i was fully aware of that decision this morning, i just didn't care HELFP. in other news though, I TURNED IN MY PSYCH FINAL PROJECT DURING FOURTH BLOCK TODAY so life is just great!! i lowkey don't want to work on my tok essay or io but if that's literally all i have left, why shouldn't i do it? it would give me less to do later, anyway. OH GOD that reminds me i still need to print my tok pictures (and maaaybe find some decorations for my table... if i'm feeling fancy...). now that the year is closing out, i'm fascinated by the fact i could actually do something for fun?? like??? you're telling me i could draw this afternoon because i don't have enough schoolwork to take priority over all my time? that's fucking wild bro... i think i want to make a mother's day themed comic about tanner and his aunt's suuuuper great relationship (she's really abusive) since mother's day just passed. i also want to revamp/continue working on my toyhouse, it's a little sad at the moment, if you ask me. i could make it soooo cool trust. i thought i had more things to say but i guess i'm blanking. i don't know what to do with all this free time. 12 may 2024— 7/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Close to You" by The Wldlife i need my brain to leave me alone for five more days, just five more fucking days, okay? LEAVE ME ALONE DAMMIT yesterday was one of my friend's birthday parties and it was suuuper cool and fun but looking back on it, i just feel gross about myself. i don't like myself or how i look and i'm starting to realize how little i actually talk to people. do my friends even know me?? i don't tell them anything, everything changed since junior year started. i don't know what to do about it. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't get how i could have so much fun in the moment and hate the retrospect unless i was forcing it the whole time. but i don't think i was?? i don't know. i don't know and i don't care at this point, i gotta move on and do important shit today like my DAMN PSYCHOLOGY FINAL PROJECT!!!!! sorry i don't feel that pissed off right now but i'm realizing my writing is coming off pretty mad. i guess that's the alexithymia for you. i don't know. anyway! yeah i think in a hour i'm gonna go to the gym and then drop by the library so i can grind this schoolwork out. ~3 hours should be plenty of time to finish my psych project; it's literally just a slideshow presentation but i haven't been up to doing it all cause it's the end of the school year. maybe if i'm real lucky, i'll also have time to work on my tok essay. my exhibition and my io are this week, i'm so ready for them to be done with :3 jumping subjects again but honestly the worst part of all my trans issues is that i don't know who i'm supposed to talk to it about. my family is a plain no go and i think it miiiight just come off wrong to vent to my trans friends about how i feel gross and sub-human for not being cis. it's literally just a me problem, i have never thought that of my friends. it's only when it's about myself that i think "hey maybe you're like a sin and not even a real man and therefore should die lmao." lame as shit of me tbh. it'll be fine tho cause i'll have allll the time in the world to think about that OVER THE SUMMER. AKA MY INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE UNTIL 3:45PM ON MAY 17TH. AHEM. okay the end. i'm listening to (my oc) kai's playlist and life is great and i'll be totally awesome once i get the last of my schoolwork over with. OH ALSO today is mother's day so that's part of why i have a short window of time for schoolwork. my familys gonna have dinner together n stuff. i did not end up getting mom anything for mother's day... uhm... it's okay my presence is enough for her totally. i actually didn't tell her happy mother's day this morning cause i second-guessed if today was actually mother's day HAHAHAHF. i'm her favorite son, trust. 9 may 2024— 4/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Addicted" by Simple Plan life is so lame why do i have to be trans that's a wild ass opener but like i said i've been having identity issues or whatever. really lame of me, i think, but it doesn't do anything good to suppress it so grrhrrhrhhr hey i'm here now. i'm mad about being trans, why can't i be fine with some unspecific genderqueer type shit, why do i have to be uncomfortable with myself and care about what other people think of me. they're not supposed to matter, how they see me isn't supposed to matter. but like i hate them i hate how i KNOW they look at me. and i'm so convinced no partner would ever want or like me because i'm just a sub-breed of men at best. but i know that's so gross and wrong and i shouldn't think of myself like that but GRRHGHRHRHHRHRH WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO I DON'T KNOW??!?!?!?!??? i promise i'm trying to cope with it but i really don't know what you want from me. i don't know what to do. and why should anyone like me to any extent or be bothered to understand me. i don't even understand myself. that's so fucking LAME GOD DAMMIT!!!!!! LIFE IE LAME!!!!!! i want to kick some people off my instagram i never even wanted them there in the first place. i just thought i'd be nice and forgot how queer and mentally ill my ocs were. they don't need to know about that shit. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! i'm so mad actually it pisses me off so much i'm literally just a man trust me. i'm just a guy. but i hate everything and i hate myself and i have no clue what to do with that. there's nothing i can do about that. IN OTHER NEWS THOUGH, i only have one week of school left LETS FUCKING GO?!?!?! i have so much shit i still need to finish but i know i can work my ass off for one more week. but then i'm DONE i'm gonna be so sleepy and happy after that. i'm gonna sleep soooo much and be so mindless i'm not going to have a single critical thought. i have schoolwork i'll need to do over the summer but i'll get all that done just fine. i believe in myself :3 all the things i'm gonna do are like: read a book for english, finish my psych ia rough draft, hopefully get like half my math ia done, maybe start my biology ia experiment?? i need to get a leg into that sooner rather than later, but i'm not sure where i'm going with it HHAHAHA. i'm planning on having like a day or two in each week dedicated just to school time. or maybe some days i'll just decide i'm gonna go to library after the gym and get x thing done. goal setting or whatever. i'm really excited for the summmer 3 may 2024— 5/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "The 411" by Bears In Trees guys i'm not okay i'm so upset with myself i've become so insecure lately every time i remember what i look like or see other people's pictures/videos of me i start losing it. i don't know why this is coming back, i swear i was not like this first semester?? nor the majority of this semester really. it's been a while since i've been so preoccupied with my appearance. and i've been fascinated with finding old pictures of myself recently but today i realized i actually, like, hate looking at my old pictures. like. i was never supposed to look like that, who let that happen. no wonder i hated myself so strongly back then SHGSJDGJ but no uhm since this is all lame or whatever, i'll talk about happier things. my tok class played dodgeball today and it was pretty nice. it was really hot outside so i was getting overstimulated by the end of class but now i'm at home and cooled down so life is great :3 i got a free sprite and two people in my class really appreciated the videos i took of them playing and that made me really happy. i like being helpful, it makes me feel so :3333 i turned in my tok essay draft today and i'm gonna print my history ia for full rough draft submission and im sooo happy to have less things to think about. i'm really not sure what i need to do this weekend other than planning for my english io (individual oral. heh.). i'm lowkey excited for my io cause i think i'll be making a really cool connection between books. i'm using The Road by Cormac McCarthy and Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, if you're curious :3 (third time using that emoticon already). i loooove english dude english is so fun. also suprisingly history has been really nice the past couple classes. i think it's cause we've been doing more poster/group work type stuff instead of just discussion, so it's much more engaging. i don't know why we stopped doing fun stuff like that for a big chunk of the year cause that's what made so much of the content actually make sense to me. it comparmentalized key concepts and that's beyond helpful yknow. speaking of history, my history teacher is switching jobs so i won't have her next year :( her class structure was really stressful ever since the ia was introduced, but she's super fascinating and i love her. i'm gonna miss her. she's such like a vat of information and she's so clearly skilled as a historian. i have tons of respect for historians now dude, it's wild. i still might get her to advise my history ee (extended essay.) but i don't know. i'm emailing our new history teacher now so i've gotten a little direction from her, but there's still a part of me that wants to work with my current teacher. i suppose i'll just see what happens cause it lowkey depends on what two of my classmates want for their ee's, cause they're doing history as well, and only one of us can have someone other than our new teacher for an advisor. i definitely have an interest in history but i wonder if i'd ever want to do anything more with it. i'm kinda leaning towards no. but i don't know. oh i forgot to mention this in my recent blogs, but i've been considering changing my name for the last month. it's a tad weird because i've gone by rain for, like, three or four years now. it feels a bit wrong to ditch it, especially since i'm so used to my friends calling me rain. but i guess i went by my legal name for over a decade and had few qualms with dropping it, so what's the difference? 30 april 2024— 2/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Animal I Have Become" by Three Days Grace (i know the sotd is super emo whatever IT'S A GOOD SONG!!! it played while i was doing my history reading and i was like. holy shit!! this slaps!!!) guys i'm so happy, this week is good week. i got so much history reading done today (i only have six more pages due before thursday !!!) and i fucked around on the eliptical, i just feel really productive and good, i'm having a good time. i'm going to this horse fundraiser thing this weekend for cas and i invited one of my new-ish(?) friends because i thought she'd maybe enjoy it and she said yes so !!! i want to go out with people more. i love driving and i want to share experiences with someone i'm so :((( please hang out with me!!! in other news, i've been thinking one of my summer projects will include adding to/improving this website cause i think web design is like totally cool and wouldn't it be cool if i made this place a little more stylish? i also want to update my toyhouse and maybe get some writing in there. my ocs are so cool, i've just had to prioritize school work. i'm really excited for the summer (i say for the third time since coming back) because i've been having, like. i guess identity issues? lately. and. it's kinda hard to fully connect with myself when i'm busy writing up papers n shit. and it's just been a while since i've taken an extended amount of time for myself. i hesitated to call it identity issues, i have been having fucking issues lately. i'm just being a bitch about admitting it. i need time to sort it out. i'm so cringe now guys i never thought i'd end up like this. also neocities has been suuuuper slow about updating this website lately i'm lowkey pissed. i have made three whole posts since october 2023 SHOW THE WORLD MY TOTALLY EPIC POSTS!!!! GRAHHGHGHHHHGGH!!!! 27 april 2024— 6/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Silver Spoon" by Modern Alibi i'm going to a surprise party for my brother because he came home from deployment :33 also I WENT TO A CYCLING CLASS WITH MY MOM THIS MORNING AND IT WAS SO FUN I ASGGHFHHHFBFNJ I did it for cas (ib jargon) but tbh i would've tried it eventually without the need for cas hours... it was an hour long class my ass vaguely hurts. but i wanna go back it was really fun, the endorphin rush was beyond real. i'm typing this update on my phone in the car and it is not fun i do not recommend. also i was planning to finish my spanish essay in between this party and cycling but i got distracted. i was just in too good of a mood :// i'm so hype i only gotta do like three more weeks of school guys 26 april 2024 — 5/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Say Anything (Else)" by Cartel I'M BACK WHO MISSED ME??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! i totally didn't completely forget i had a website to goof around on... i may have underestimated how busy i'd get with IB and all. i don't remember what exactly i've talked about on here, the first semester of this school year feels like so long ago. i've been having quite the time then i guess. i missed the anniversary of icicles won't kill you by a few weeks, rip. fun fact i made this site because i stayed up one night talking to my brother's drunk best friend during a spring break beach trip and realized there was something seriously wrong with me. i don't think this is where last year me planned to be in one year but i think i'm doing pretty damn good for my circumstances so. woohoo! BUT ANYWAY!!! the school year is finally closing out and i'm sooooo sosososo excited i'm so ready for the year to be over, i've worked my ass off. this year has been so different from the entirety of my school career and as happy as i am that i decided to do ib, i need to be let out. get me the fuck outta here!! grahhh!!!! i'm going to have so much fun over the summer y'all don't even know. i'm gonna make a come back trust me 23 october 2023 — 1/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "First Date" by Blink-182 i'm sick and i hate everything KILL YOURSELF WORLD I HATE YOU!!!!!! i should make this like an actual life update but idrk what to say, i'm just mad right now- i'm not like low energy or bedridden sick i'm just really congested and my congestion is funny colors so i don't wanna get other people sick especially since idek where it came from. but also i get pissed off whenever i stay at home for more than 2 hours because GRAHHGHGHG I SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL I ACTUALLY LIKE SCHOOL OKAY AND I FEEL BAD MISSING BAND REHEARSAL UGHGHGHG i'm just tired i hate everything maybe i'll just sleep this entire day. i don't think the nyquil helped me pass out like i thought it would last night. i remember nyquil making me suuuuper drowsy before but it didn't do that last night and now i'm grhrhghghsghdgj 16 october 2023 — 1/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Blonde" by Waterparks me when i have time and motivation to draw but i have no idea what to draw i really wanna do something with zach and/or ray but i really don't know what to do grrhfhghghgh- i did two meme redraws and one of them was zach and that's making me really wanna do more zach stuff but GHGHGHGHGHGHF. butttt in other news, some other ib juniors are hosting a halloween party today and i'm gonna carve a pumpkin to put on my head like that silly trend i've see a lot on instagram lately. my family's also celebrating my brother's birthday today since he's in town for once and he's leaving again like uhhh tomorrow? sometime this week? idk. hashtag military life. OUR BAND WON BEST COLOR GUARD AND BEST PERCUSSION AND GOT A SUPERIOR RATING THIS WEEKEND BTW WE'RE BASICALLY AMAZING 8 october 2023 — 7/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "In the Back" by Graduating Life dude i don't know why i decided to do IB and guard at the same time, idk why i thought i could do that shit. our first competition was yesterday and like it was so much fun i actually had so much fun and i wasn't stressed over it being a performance at all but now it's over and i have schoolwork i need to do but like ITS SUNDAY WHY ARE ALL MY CHANCES FOR FREE TIME TAKEN UP BY SCHOOL. last blog was a lie by the way, i thought i had nothing to do but i should've fucking studied because i fucked up on my biology test and my spanish exam went poorly. i somehow only cried in spanish and like my teacher was nice about it but fuck dude it just feels so humiliating. i can't balance my life out, idk if this is manageable. i feel like in theory it is, but it's not gonna work in practice for me cause i'm mentally shot. i've been on and off crying since the wedding dude i don't know what's fucking wrong with me but i don't want to drop either of them. i don't want to do anything but ib classes cause they're actually interesting and i love guard, it's so much fun grahhghgh ib and guard are both so much fun i don't want to be anywhere else. i'm just overwhelmed right now i guess. on a positive note tho, i can say that i've thought about a handful of different oc scenes and started writing a couple of them out so :33 the silly grind never stops 4 october 2023 — 3/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Friday is Forever" by We The Kings dude there's nothing i have to do this afternoon and it's fucking wild. like there's things i could do, but i don't have to do anything right now. like. ??!?!?!?!!?!? but anywayyy we have our first competition this saturday :33 i think we're just like not doing our closer for then cause like unless they wanna throw it at us the last rehearsal before comp, we have done a whole nothing of the closer- i'm pretty excited tho, i think we'll be pretty cool!! we have swing flags in our ballad and IM SO HAPPY I LOVE SWING FLAGS GRAHHGHGHG my only complaint is that they're really noisy, they sound like paper and ughhhg hate that. but they're so pretty so :((( i'm lowkey stressed for my spanish exam tomorrow tho we have an oral thing and like mmmmmm. i'm not good at spanish and i feel bad for my teacher cause of that and i swear i could do so much better i'm just not fucking good at speaking- like i already have problems with holding conversations and saying words that make sense, putting a language i haven't remotely studied since 8th grade on top of that is arghghghghg. and like how tf do you even practice a language anyway- i have duolingo but like it gets repetitive and i don't feel i'm getting the learning i need out of it and i don't have time to waste answering the same questions over and over- grrrr rgh spanish is my only struggle class man going off of my recent posts, i'm still kinda tired of people. like i'm not as pissy anymore and i think i'm just bitter cause i've felt painfully lonely recently but it's still living in the back of my head like "god you all suck don't fucking talk to me you're all so annoying i wish i could kms" yk? i'm pretty sure no ones actually done anything rude or whatever to me lately, i've just been in a bitchy mood 26 september 2023 — 2/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Save Rock And Roll" by Fall Out Boy, Elton John sighhhh the urge to stop associating with literally everyone because everything feels pointless and it really feels like there's no way anything going on right now will matter at any point in the future i think my apathy is stress related cause it feels like my emotions died at least a week ago and they will not be coming back. i am so gone. i was dissociative as shit at school today. i kinda wish i had died a week ago too. like i don't really wish that but i do, y'know? but uhmmm in other news i've written a whole essay draft in two days, round of applause for me ig!!! i would've had more time to work on it if i actually had free time. tomorrow is a half day tho so i should have enough free time to get my work done and actually chill out, i probably fucking need it for how i've been acting lately also once again i get fixated on a fall out boy album please help me 24 september 2023 — 7/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Where Did The Party Go" by Fall Out Boy i'm in one of those moods where i don't care about anyone like i literally do not care i cannot explain to you how much i don't care. i only care about one person right now and that's because i'm choosing to. there is nothing inherent in me right now that gives a shit about anyone. i think it's all the stress from this week idrk- today is the closest i've gotten to a break day in a hot minute because i had band camp yesterday and friday, but it's not even really a break day cause i still have schoolwork to finish and my parents took us to overstimulation heaven this morning (aka church) so i'm just so fucking done i guess. band camp was pretty fun tho, i was either enjoying it or completely freaking out on the field cause i cannot learn choreo and drill this fast guys holy fuck. i cried a lot but it's okay. one of the guard kids told me i was the only new person she liked and i found that really funny actually. just out of nowhere we were getting our flags cause they were next to each other on the field and she was like "rain. you're the only new person i actually like. some of these other people are-- anyway. you're nice and you're funny." and then she said i was just naturally funny when i asked her when i was funny. i was so tired after both days tho my feet wanted me dead so fucking badly. i was almost limping in my house after saturday dude it was actually kinda funny. i wish it wasn't sunday dude idk how it's sunday i?? i don't wanna do another week of school ughhhghghg. but anyway i think i'm gonna make something silly for the one person i can bother to care about rn cause they've, to my knowledge anyway, been having a shitty week sooooo yippee :33 i kinda wish i updated this more frequently I'M BUSY AHHHHHH 10 september 2023 — 7/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "These Nights" by We The Kings i haven't been feeling much of anything lately and it's starting to make me feel like a bad person. like why can i not care about like. anything? i don't have zero care right now but i'm so apathetic that i wonder if i really feel or mean anything that i say. i think i've been sensory-seeking a lot lately too, maybe there is something wrong- it feels like the middle of the week wtf do you mean it's only about to be monday?? actually whatever, i can't act like that bothers me. idk what's going on. i'm just here. i updated my toyhouse a bit and i'm dressing like a hippie for my spanish presentation tomorrow, hopefully that's fun. i think my outfits really goofy. 4 september 2023 — 1/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Three Month Hangover" by The Band CAMINO life sucks tbh idk what's causing me to suddenly hate everything but everything sucks. i had a choreography camp saturday and it was like 6/10 cause guard is fun but i'm still fairly bad at it and i might be walking into an episode if i'm not careful idk. at least there wasn't school today i guess but hrhhfhhghghdh i gotta do work today and i should go to the gym while i have the chance to but ughhhhg everything sucks idk. also i definitely got fixated on band camino's new album so don't mind that maybe if i think about my ocs enough i'll be happier 31 august 2023 — 4/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Novocaine" by The Band CAMINO dude i am actually so unhappy don't fucking talk to me. school is virtual today so now my entire schedule is thrown off and i have to do class work at home and IFNFDSNJDFSAJFDSJDFSJDFSA I HATE THIS I HATE THIS SO MUCH I AM SO UPSET GGJGRJGJGJ everything sounds gross, my breakfast sounds gross i don't want to do my schoolwork everything feels wrong now. I hate this. 23 august 2023 — 3/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Snitches And Talkers Get Stitches And Walkers" by Fall Out Boy JESUS CHRIST I FINALLY PUT MY FOOT DOWN HELLOOOOO I'M BACK.. dude school started and i just got CONSUMED holyyyyy god. i'm only on two weeks of school but it feels like it's been so much longer. i don't know how to summarize everything, i've been through so many emotions and things- guard has consumed my life bro. overall i'm really enjoying it tho!! it's stressful as hell sometimes to be learning so much on the spot but i've been told by basically everyone i've talked to that i'm a fast learner and i'm doing way better than they were in their first season. which. is kinda hghgehhghsjsjd /pos. but.. ghghgh idk i think i'm not good at taking compliments and such. i thiiiink we've learned all the choreo for our opening now, which will be performing at the football game this friday :33 i can't say i'm not nervous cause i'm gonna have to attempt a cross toss on like 48hrs of experience, but i'll figure it out. i'm confident i can manage whatever happens. i'm gonna update this websites bio uhhhh eventually i wanna throw in some songs i totally would've put as sotd's if i wrote any blogposts-- In Too Deep and Fat Lip by sum 41, Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, 100 Bad Days by AJR, Irresistible by Fall Out Boy, Colorado by Kota the Friend a couple days ago i decided to find all the songs i used to listen to and made a new playlist for it. honestly i used to listen to some bangers- also recently i've really gotten into like pop punk and some pop sooo might have to change the bio on that part too. DUDE I'VE HAD LIKE NO FREE TIME SO I HAVEN'T DRAWN MUCH RECENTLY AND I'M SO ARGRGHGHGH ABOUT IT SOMETIMES!!! I WANNA DRAW MY GUYS :((( i still think about them i just have no time rhthghgh 6 august 2023 — 7/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Tonight Tonight" by Hot Chelle Rae i'm struggling man i can't lie- i think i'm soooo cool and put together and confident until i get into a situation where something is actually hard and new and i fucking collapse. and oh my god my ability to verbally communicate is actually so bad??? but uhmm i'm not gonna make this post just me being a bitch to myself so back to focusing on better parts- today i went to my friend's birthday party (idk how often you check my website but hey fucker i hope you had a good party) which was in a rollerskating rink and it felt very >:))) turns out i still suck at rollerskating tho. i spent most of the time being taught how to rollerskate (thanks bestie) and trying to not be openly upset about it, but now that it's been a while, i wanna go back. i bet i could get it down. i think i was struggling to adapt to new stuff and, i mean, i've only rollerskated like once before? soooo. i can't really be that mad at myself. but i could've afforded to be better at talking about that and to other people. plus i've been in a shitty mood lately so i was giving up on myself pretty easily. butttt otherwise it was really fun to hang out with everyone that was there and i think people were having fun so HELL YEAHH. BTW i totally could've gotten away with stealing that muffin figure but i thought i would get caught so i gave up :// totally should've stolen that shit fun fact about the song of the day: i was trying to work on my summer reading to forget about being upset, and part of my summer reading is that i have to summarize each chapter. so i was writing the chapter summary and that song started playing and i mildly lost it- cause yk this whole week has kinda sucked (despite the fact i've been going to a lot of nice events). so i made it the song of the day. i like it like that is definitely my favorite song from them tho, that's one of my will to live songs. 5 august 2023 — 6/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Memory" by Sugarcult heyy haven't hopped on here in a while. it hasn't been as long as it feels like it's been- i suppose i'm not complaining tho. my friend's church also hosted this all nighter that started yesterday and ended this morning. some of our other friends got to go this time and it was really fun actually!!! i got to hang out with my best friend a lot and i just haven't seen any of my friends much this summer so it was nice to do stuff with people again. i am realllyy tired tho, jeez- i got a bit of sleep when i got home, but i'm still kinda off. also, honestly, i don't know why, but after trying to sleep, i kinda started mentally spiraling over the whole thing?? i had a lot of fun, i really did, but i started thinking about it and feeling bad about myself and doubting my ability to be a good friend. like ggghghgh it's kinda hard to talk about it now cause i already made myself forget about it, so i can't really bring the feelings back, but i was genuinely crying and feeling like a horrible person and wanting to cancel all my plans for this upcoming week because i'm no fun to be around and all my friendships are actually forced. no one actually has a good time when i'm around, it's just common courtesy to be all like "yea this was fun dude thanks for inviting me :))." i also think i have a worse fear of abandonment than i want to admit, but i don't wanna talk about that rn- i gotta pick my life back up tomorrow gragghgh. i gotta finish my summer reading and there's oc stuff i wanna finish. i've felt very off recently, but it hasn't turned into a full episode i think, so that's good. but. it's still not fun to feel like this. OH OH I ALMOST FORGOT.. I found out winter guard starts in november, so i'll basically have three months to get good enough at guard to make it to winter guard. i really hope i do!! and that the rest of my schedule allows for it- i'm a bit concerned being in IB will give me a decent bit of work. but i really wanna do guard dude i think it'd be so much fun grgrhrhr 3 august 2023 — 4/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Back on My Bullshit" by Magnolia Park, iamjakehill (the song of the day is very kai core btw) sometimes i just don't know how i'm alive. or how any of my family is alive. i'm listening to my parents have some serious conversation and i just. what the fuck is any of this. what in the everliving hell is ever going on. like how am i not dead? how are my parents still alive? why am i here? i think too much for someone my age, i don't know what's wrong with me. there's definitely something wrong with me, i'm not sure i want to be here- i wish i could move out already. but also like no i don't? i don't know what i want. i know something's wrong and i need help, but i don't actually know what that is and i've been getting by fine, so why should i even worry about it, right- i'll just forget about this anyway. today was uneventful as hell so i get to talk about my amazing feelingssss. i need school to start, i can't stand having so little to do. i don't need to add to the number of family members getting driven up the wall. 2 august 2023 — 3/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Pulling Teeth" by Of Mice & Men dog it is weeeeird to not have to think about gov or econ anymore. like my only responsibility now is to finish my summer reading- idk what to do with myself?? i feel weird jumping to work on oc stuff cause my instinct is "hey wait isn't there something you need to/should do first?" BUT THERE'S NOT ANYTHING TO DO. shits wild out here now. my mom got a call today from the IB (silly special classes i'm doing this year) coordinator of my school and the guy was like "heyy i saw you haven't done any spanish classes since 8th grade so the IB spanish class you're signed up for is most likely not a good fit for you, are you sure you wanna do this?" so now i'm taking a very introductory french class instead. apparently they don't have a spanish version of that. i suppose it is a bit sad because some of my friends speak fluent spanish, but.. oh well, i guess. if i really want to, i can always do duolingo or some shit SDFHDGK my trainer was very shocked today when i told her i wore shorts to the lake day yesterday- she was like "i've seen you show up here in 100 degree weather wearing BLACK sweatpants" and i (very smartly /j) retorted that i didn't own a pair of shorts until a couple days ago. then we started talking about clothing preferences or something and i think now she's convinced i'll wear a tank top someday. i'm not saying she's wrong, but i think it's funny how she reacted. tbh i do think halter tops are rlly cool soooo maybe i could rock a tank top. i'd really be avery core then- DUDE MY TRAINER REMINDED ME OF AVERY TODAY CAUSE SHE WAS LIKE "i wish all clothing was optional" or something like that and THATS SO AVERYYYY. avery HATES clothing!! but also, i honestly can't remember what spurred me to never wear shorts. i think it started with sh scars and then i realized sensorily speaking, long pants are the fucking jam, so i never went back. but i think i'm gonna want shorts for winter guard soooo i'll figure it out. shorts are kinda mid tho. i think i look kinda cool, but i also hate my skin touching everything and feeling the air and stuff. 1 august 2023 — 2/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Red Cup Hands Up Long Brown Hair" by BOYS LIKE GIRLS girl i think i've planned too many social events for this week, i'm feeling so gljgjjlghgh and i got like three more things to go to AND THEN SCHOOL STARTS LIKE. SHIT. thiiiis might be badd. this might be bad for my mental health. in others news uhhmm sometimes i feel like i just need to stop talking. like i need to shut up for christs sake and learn what a filter is. i become so confident sometimes and i suppose that's a good thing cause that used to never happen, but i just?? i can't tell if i'm actually fine or not, i think i'm just stupid. one of my kinda friend's church hosted this lake day thing today, so i went to that and it was fun!! i wore shorts for the first time in idek how long and i was a bit concerned cause my sh scars (that i forgot about fun fact) are visible, but i didn't get questions or anything, so i think i'm fine. i don't really care if people know i did that, i just don't want people to get uncomfortable with me when i tell them straight. like you asked buddy don't be weird about it. in fact, for a little bit today, i was actually having a lot of fun with wearing shorts. like yeah i've been through shit and i did some stupid things before but i can move on and have my life back. it doesn't make me a bad or dumb person or anything. but ig now i'm tired so i'm getting insecure about it again. i don't really know what goes on in my brain man. buy yeah i went kayaking and tubing and it was rlly cool!! :] i told my friend about some of my ocs and drew some stuff in her sketchbook, it was nice. i'm still feeling funky tho, i think it's a mix of all the outings i've done recently and accidentally having way too much lactose (hashtag lactose intolerance for the win). i kinda fucked myself over basically SHGJJSDG- i also took my gov/econ exams btw those aren't rlly notable tho. 31 july 2023 — 1/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "The Pros and Cons of Breathing" by Fall Out Boy i was gonna make myself finish my econ work before blogging but gghghghh i feel funky. recently i've been getting annoyed with myself a lot over my shitty memory and how slowly i get things done. every time i remember or am reminded of something, i'm just like "dude if you forgot that, what else have you forgotten?" i feel like i should be more worried about my lacking memory, but it's hard to be anxious about things you don't remember, y'know? but like that's not. that can't be good. right? i should be concerned. but how do you train your memory anyway? and i feel bad for forgetting so many things because it makes it seem like i don't care about my friends or family when i forget things i did for or with them before. i often don't realize i've forgotten things until i remember them (go figure) and just. ughghghghg shame. shame. i love this bro. and with doing things slowly, so like- i planned today to read at least three chapters of my summer reading book, finish my econ assignment, and go to the gym. it seemed straight forward enough when i wrote it because "oh this stuff isn't hard, i just gotta prioritize my time." it is now 6pm and i am still working on econ and forgot about the reading entirely until i started writing this blog post. went to the gym! just. can't fucking do anything that requires me to manage my own focus. i feel like this assignment should realistically only take an hour or two, but i have to stretch it over the course of the entire fucking day because i can't just lock in and do my fucking work. i thought i would be able to draw and listen to new music, and last night i even had the thought that i could clean out my bookbag for the new school year today cause i was planning to get this stuff done way fucking quicker than i'm actually working today. i'm. GHGHfdHfdshdhfS. i'm so fucking fed up sometimes. anyway off the subject of me having adhd now. otherwise, today was actually pretty nice! my dad had some meetings he wanted to have in private, so me and my mom n brother went on a little adventure for the afternoon. we went to the gym, which i always love, and we went out to eat and DUDDEEE THE PLACE FUCKING SLAPPED I WAS LOSING IT,, also i thought of some oc things i really wanna make so :333 they're always in my head, i love thinking about them. i can never get to making content, but i can promise you they comfort me all the time. DUDE IN TOO DEEP STARTED PLAYING AS IM WRITING THIS DONT DO THAT TO ME :((( shout out to sum 41, i need to listen to more of their stuff. 30 july 2023 — 7/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Retrograde" by Silverstein FUCK YEAH DUDEEE I FINISHED ALL THE GOV WORK FOR THE CLASS (minus the exam) YEAAAAAA I FINISHED GOVERNMENT HFIHFDISFDJIJFKD FOR THAT I'M GONNA BE NICE TO MYSELF AND DO MY ECON WORK TOMORROW THTHTHTHTHTH. retrograde is what i was listening to when i finished my last assignment so SONG OF THE DAY!!! literally one of the best songs ever tho, it's in my playlist for when i have no motivation anymore and need determination to kick in. can't be sad listening to that shit, i don't make the rules :// anywayy tho. sorry for not posting yesterday! i thought about it last night, but i was already in bed sooo i didn't. yesterday's song of the day definitely would've been "Get Low" by Designer Disguise; discovered it yesterday and listened to it for the rest of the day, it slaps. yesterday was okay. went to the gym and some of my brothers came over for dinner. otherwise, i was in a rlllyy meh mood cause i did not want to do my fucking class work. OMGMG I CAN USE THIS POST TO RANT ABOUT SOMETHING soo me and my family went to church today and instead of the pastor speaking today, it was the pastor's daughter. i've listened to her preach once before and i remember my dad commenting that it was really dry and i agreed with him. and. fuckk dude it was dry this time too. she had a good point, but the delivery could've been a lot better. she made the 45-60min sermon time feel soo long. i was thinking of how i'd critique her at the end of the sermon and i think my main problem with her sermon was that it was a purely ethos type speech. she believes her point and brought in stories that paralleled her point and bible verses, but she didn't explain why. she was not persuasive. her point's strength was built purely on the idea that you already trusted her and what i would call trigger word-y sentences every once in a while. my dad commented that she could be a teacher or a doctor and i think what he meant with that is kinda what i'm saying right now. if a completely athiest person had walked into church today and listened to that sermon, they would not have been swayed towards christianity at all. she also repeated sentences a lot; it kinda felt like she was remembering what she wanted to say as she was talking. like she was repeating sentences to get time to remember her points. i was personally not swayed by her speech, but i think you could make a good sermon out of her point. i think she needed to elaborate on her points and maybe have had more content to speak on overall. i think to have a good speech, you need to have basically blocked out all opportunities for someone to ask why. like with her, she said "you need to build your life's foundation on jesus christ," but why? she explained how the foundation is the most important part in construction and how it's said in the bible to listen to god and stuff, but why? why should we listen what the bible says? why do we need to have faith in jesus and not rely on physical things? she didn't explain any of that. at the end of the day, she didn't give a real incentive to follow her point. and, on a less persuasion-concerned note, she really did just repeat things a lot and it was grahhhghgh it was hard to sit through, frankly. you gotta keep the speech flowing, you're losing my attention. alrrr i think that's all i want to say. i'm gonna go draw and listen to new music now :33 28 july 2023 — 5/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "I Was Once, Possibly, Maybe, Perhaps A Cowboy King" by Asking Alexandria i'm veeeeeery slowly getting my class work done cause i really don't want to do my class work, but it is getting done so i guess it's fine. i did one econ assignment today, only three more assignments to go!! i should probably do my gov work first cause it's due sooner but yk- whatever i get done is a win. i need to accept progress as progress and not get mad at myself cause i'm not doing enough for my standards, like shut up man whatever. i did farmer cardio today and there was this older guy in the turf area that i've seen around and interacted with once. as i was doing lateral sled drags, he asked my mom if i was training for something and she was like "oh no he's just training! she's getting stronger!" and the guy said i was working really hard :33 it made me feel kinda silly, i liked that. like hell yea i just be working! i'm having a good time! that guy's pretty nice tbh; my instinct is to be scared or at least adverse to everyone at the gym, but everyone i've actually interacted with so far has been pretty nice. there's this other older guy that i usually just see stretching and he's always asked really nicely when he needed to use equipment near me or whatever, so he's on my chill list. hell now i kinda wanna make gym buddies, i love working out- 27 july 2023 — 4/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Tell Me What To Do" by Metro Station. wow i kinda want to kill myself. i'm not going to- i'm not that upset. but. wow i kinda hate myself right now. yesterday and today i've been like "alr we gotta plow through some class work man" and i've done a whole bunch of not plowing through class work. maybe i should be nicer to myself cause i haven't been doing no work, but. idk. i planned to be ahead of schedule and i haven't been able to make myself do that. i'm upset that i can't make a plan with myself and actually follow through with it. yesterday i was distracted and today i've just been spacey as shit. i don't feel fully conscious honestly, but i'm pretty sure it's just executive dysfunction- in good news, i got to rant to my bestie about kai's backstory hehehf i always like talking about my ocs. i got an idea for an animation and remembered some writings and drawings i forgot about that i should totally finish. i'm just not sure how i'll be able to get to them cause i gotta finish this class work and school is starting really soon and i have personal events coming up and just aghghgjjksh. i might be going downhill mentally, i don't know. (also, since i'm here, i'm genuinely so intrigued by whatever the hell the song of the day is about?? like what is going on it's so??) 26 july 2023 — 3/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Not My Type: Dead as Fuck 2" by Motionless In White. UPDATEE I PASSED AND I TOOK MY FRIENDS TO DAIRY QUEEN AND IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!!! i drove well and we bought these little plushies at the gas station and we went to the dam. we were gonna walk the dam, but we ran out of time, so we just hung around in the parking for a while. i got a hole in my shirt from climbing a fence to try to throw something away (tbh i just wanted an excuse to climb the fence). i didn't make it to the other side cause we decided we could just throw it away at one of our houses (lame..), BUT I GOT TO THE TOP SO i'm pretty cool. it made me remember i really want to work on my upper body strength tho; i can do deadlifts and lunges all day, but what am i gonna do when i gotta climb shit? i'm getting nowhere. however, i did scare the shit out of my parents, namely my mom-- i had forgotten to text my mom that we had gotten gas fine and we were on the way home now, but i also had do not disturb on so i could follow the gps, so my mom couldn't even call me. so i didn't get back to her for a little less than an hour and ooooof yea i feel bad. i messed up a bit. my dad lectured me (not in a mean way but i'm sure he was pissed. he told me that a couple years ago, he would've bitten my head off for this), but really this is all a simple fix and i've learned better. i'm vvvvv excited about being able to drive tho!! i'm sure i'll end up on more adventures and they'll be lots of fun!! it'll especially be better when i'm a more experienced driver; i can drive fine at the moment, but it does take a lot of energy and such. i was handed down one of my brother's truck and he told me to make sure i take it mudding again for him. i'm not sure how much he was joking, but i'd go mudding soooo. 25 july 2023 — 2/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys. (kokomo randomly came to mind yesterday and it's been stuck now so that's where that came from) i'm leaving for my road test in a few minutes and i'm ngl the nerves are settling in.. i'm confident enough in my driving that my only real concern is accidentally hitting an auto-fail. which, i think is just anxiety talking. but regardless, wooooooo i'm a bit. wooo. silly little nerves. 24 july 2023 — 1/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "IT Is The End" by Ice Nine Kills, Less Than Jake, Fenix TX, JR Wasilewski, Buddy Schaub, Will Salazar. (why are there so many people featured in it is the end jesus??) RARGRGRRHH I DON'T WANT TO DO MY ECON WORK AHHHHHHH i'm so ready for these classes to be over.. also i may be overworking myself a bit w the gym ermm- i just really like working out guys!! the stairclimber is such a big oof tho omg. i have these little blitz at the end of all my workouts and for chest, it's the stairclimber for 8min with 60sec steady w hands and 30sec fast without hands. maybe i will adjust it to 6min total or something, but right now my theory is that i'm rushing myself between my last exercise and starting the stairclimber. this is also like three days in a row of working out? which is unusual for me; i went today cause i was behind on chest. DUDE I WANNA KNOW WHY EVERYONE GOES TO THE GYM ON MONDAYS TOO OH MY GOD. SWEAR SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS LIKE "ah this is gonna be the week!!" AND ARRGHGHGH. like i can give them credit for showing up cause that's a win on it's own but DUDE. WHERE DID Y'ALL COME FROM??? anywayyyy i'm planning on cleaning my toyhouse up today! i uploaded some images last night, but i also need to edit profiles and the folder bio. i archived the main plot folder cause ermm that things been on the backburner for a while now. i'm honestly not sure if i'll go back to it at all, but i hope to give it at least one revisit sometime. i have a couple qualms with the whole thing at the moment. i have the urge to fuck up my schedule cause i'm upset and things kinda suck atm but i know that's probably gonna just mess me up more but grrrrr i don't want to do that. i want to disappear. 23 july 2023 — 7/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "What the Hell" by Avril Lavigne. sometimes i just wish i was already grown up. i need to be an adult already, i need to get out of this house and not be close to anyone or at least just have a break from everyone for a while because shit always goes wrong when i talk to people. i guess i think being on my own would solve a lot of my problems, but i know realistically that's probably not true. i hear about my brothers doing all their things and i wish i was there. but at the same time, do i really want to be there? i have no clue what i'm gonna do with myself long term. i gotta finish high school and then what? it's not like i ever planned to be alive this long anyway. i keep switching between wanting to be a super independent adult already and fearing i'll just crash in the future because i have no real life plans. ARHRHGHGH I HAVE TOO MANY THINGS TO KEEP UP WITH grrrr update so i'm fine now, i just had to go to the gym. i might've also not eaten anything when i wrote that idk. but anyway! did farmer today WITH THE HARNESS THING and it was really fun actually! i felt a little silly bear crawling with the sled in public but it's fineee. also sorry to keep changing the song of the day, i really need to post later in the day- i need to start drafting my blog writing and then posting it all together at the end of the day. i go through too many opinions in a day to only blog at one point in the day. in other news, i went driving today! i got to back up in circles in a parking lot while this guy and his kid shot little helicopters in the sky. i also talked to one of my friends about some things and like grahghghghgh i love them so much life is UNFAIR!! GGRHRHRAH i've been feeling shitty a little more than usually recently so i'm gonna really try to keep my shit together, like working out and eating and not drowning myself in class work and stuff- consistency and not forcing things seems to help me a lot soo. i know i've been talking abt a lot of nice stuff on here but i've been having moments and i'm trying to not go completely downhill, so i'm trying to focus on the positive. 22 july 2023 — 6/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "CHOKE" by The Warning, grandson, Zero 9:36. wowww i really woke up and got slapped in the face this morning. i stayed up until 2 something last night because i was upset and couldn't sleep, so ofc i got up later than usual. this morning, my mom sent this podcast episode to the family group chat saying "everyone needs to hear this. let me know what you think" and i. when i tell you i cried listening to that shit. ten thirty in the morning feeling like my guts were being torn out of my chest because the audio was talking directly to the shit i was feeling last night. i was getting really despairful last night cause i haven't been doing my class work like i've been scheduling it and other stuff so it was just a lot of downhill thinking and like. UGHGHGHGHGHH i should listen to those audios more. they're so right. i really needed to hear that. i got shit to do and a life to live, will update on how the rest of the day goes :33 hi i almost forgot to update: today's been pretty sweet actually! i got caught up on my gov work (thanks audio) and went to the gym and even drew some stuff!! i need to get back into drawing and writing, it's been too long grgrgr. but also the back harness for my farmer cardio came in today so !!!! i'm planning on doing farmer tomorrow and then maybe taking a break depending on how i feel and class work. the gym really stablizes me so much, it's kinda wild. it gives me a huge energy release and a reason for me to like myself and accomplish something. i love working out arrghghghg. i've actually been so content lately and it's really weird?? like i've had moments, but for the most part, i'm genuinely very happy? i don't know how this happened but i really hope it doesn't go away anytime soon cause i like feeling normal. school will probably fuck me up cause it's a big schedule change, but i'll find a way to deal with it. i feel like i've learned/grown a lot over this summer even tho it's only been two months and i wouldn't be able to tell you what i've learned; i just feel much better overall? at least right now. trying to schedule my days out has definitely helped a lot tho. i don't know. i just know i want to be happy and live a cool life so i gotta make shit happen!! and i suppose i've unlearned a fair deal of perfectionism overtime, so i've been better able to actually work on shit because i'm just goofing around dude! who said i had to know shit i'm just vibing! 21 july 2023 — 5/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "Swerve - Rockzilla Remix" by Papa Roch, Hollywood Undead. today's been kinda vibey heheheh :3 my mom's workout schedule got thrown off today so we went to the gym together!! it was really nice actually, i enjoyed it a lot. and partway through our workouts, my brother arrived too, so we were all working out in this corner together for a bit and it felt very cool. we're menaces to the gym >:33 (literally no one cares what we're doing). but more seriously, i've actually felt pretty connected to my family the past few months, so getting to hang out with them is starting to mean more to me. i'm pretty happy with them. which, that would blowww younger me out of the waters; it's actually a bit weird still, the fact i feel genuinely connected to them. i can't recall ever feeling like a real part of my family. AND WITH WORKOUTS!! GOT TO DO CHEST TODAY!!! gator plyos are sooo much fun oh my god! i think i'll be able to do them without elevation eventually and i'm vv excited for that. i'm still a bit disappointed with my bench press at the moment, but that just means i'll have to work on it! i have reverse incline bench this program; i thought i'd hit 60lbs for the last set, but i decided not to push it. i didn't have a spotter and i was getting slow on the ends of the previous set so. this is only the beginning of the program anyway. i may try to go tomorrow; i think i'm a bit behind on workouts. yeaa just checked, i'm behind. oh also! a little win today: i walked on the treadmill for a bit after my workout! i've been wanting to get into walking again and not making progress, so that was good on me. i'm still avoiding my class work aghghghgh. i've never turned anything in late this summer tho. i just don't wanna do anymore gov or econ :,) these classes are sooo close to done, arghh. also! i have another exercise to add to my list of exercises i want to do. my mom has wall walks in her program— it's like a push up and then walk your legs up till parellel to the wall —and now I NEED TO DO THEM. THEY LOOK FUN!! and she said she's excited to get better at them too SO!! LEMME HAVE IT!! i think working out is slowly becoming my only personality traits whoops- anywayyy- i'm working on revamping my toyhouse so i can post the link here! it's mostly just me rewording things. i thought i'd change the layout up, but i really don't know what to change it to, so. it's staying how it is. i also have some art in the works so shit can be more up to date around there.. i haven't been drawing a lot recently hghgh. completely unrelated, but i do want to mention, i am honestly looking forward to this upcoming school year. i have fancy classes that i think'll be fun and i'm trying my hand at guard and just like- idk i feel very prepared ig?? i'm ready to see what happens and i think it'll all be a good experience for me whether it goes well or not. i'm trying something new, maybe that's what it is. i'm admittedly very happy with myself right now, it's kinda crazy. i just-?? aghhg i don't know. i feel like i'm getting somewhere. i don't know where i'm going, but i know i'm going somewhere, and that's a lot more i can say for myself than i could've a year ago. 20 july 2023 — 4/7 SONG OF THE DAY: "The Best You'll Get" by Her Bright Skies. hellooo i'm still working the details out around here, but i'm gonna officially start blogging anyway!! the day hasn't really started but i already feel like it's a bad day. recently, there's just been so much stress between my parents and it's getting to my head. really i have to give them props for still functioning pretty well, but god man i. hhh. i also have been struggling extra with class motivation recently. i'm almost done with summer classes though! they end this month, i just gotta push through this last part. my gov class sucks at the moment tbh: the deadlines have suddenly become so crammed and the lessons are just getting longer?? i wanna think this wasn't unintentional/bad planning on my teacher's fault because she made the pacing guide before the class even started, but.. idk. i'll get through it. in other news, i got a new workout program last week and i'm excited about it >:)) i still haven't done chest for this program yet, but i'll hit it either today or tomorrow. i want to do farmer cardio, but the sled drag requires a back belt now and there's been complications with getting one; i tried using our big bands for it and it just wasn't working out. made me pretty angry, actually. but i get to use aqua bags for my leg workout and it makes me very ehfhfjfj they're really cool!! i also have deficit reverse lunges and it makes me feel cool cause i've heard a handful of complaints about deficit exercises before. maybe i can get bulgarian split squats sometime.. i'm also curious about the landmine now! it's in my mom's workout and my brother has used it before. my mom was saying how hard her exercise w it was so that means I NEED TO USE IT TOO. i should say, i am rlly looking forward to chest because i still have plyo-pushups and i was very unhappy with my progress on them last program (which was partially my fault). they're gator plyos now, but still. i wanna see how i do now that i've figured them out. it was SO hard to find an appropriate difficulty with them last program; i didn't find a reasonable difficulty until the last day of the program— speaking of difficulties, i was having an autism moment yesterday with my trainer. i was doing deficit reverse lunges and after some of the sets, she was asking me "how did that feel" or "did that feel better" after she added more weight to the bar. it was only like halfway through the workout that i started to realize she was asking if that was an appropriate weight— aka like do i think i could've gone heavier. i definitely could've gone heavier. i just didn't realize that's what she was asking, i was just like "oh yeah i didn't feel like i was dying on that, i'm fine." like i always think she's asking if i'm okay, if i'm doing okay. i'll have to remember that next week- i got weights to hit man!! RARRRGRGHGHGH UPDATE I DON'T WANT TO WORK ON ANYTHING BUT THIS WEBSITE OR MY TOYHOUSE AHHHGGHGH but i need to do my schoolwork argrhhgh. this unit's due today and it's literally so close to done, i just, aghhhh. ig i'm also a bit thrown off now cause me, my mom, and brother suddenly went out because my dad needed space and the public is loud and i didn't want to be on my phone the whole time so aghghghg. 19 july 2023 — 3/7 AAAAAAAAAA i'm starting to get this stuff figured out woohooo!! hiiii! welcome to icicles won't kill you! i've been wanting to blog the past few days cause i've been doing really good actually, but. it's hard to blog on a site that's only half functioning. and i've been struggling to find time to work on this (mostly my fault tbh,,). but i'm slowly getting things done here and it's good that i'm doing the other work i've been doing instead. gotta keep my priorities straight, yk? |
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